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Friday, January 7th, 2005
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12:34 am - Snow!!
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Okay. Lots has happened. No time to go into that now, since I have a big qualifying exam in 32 and a half hours. However, it snowed today. The very FIRST day that I ever saw snow actively falling in my entire life. Pretty cool. And GORGEOUS. Whew.
Anyway. That's all for now. More later, perhaps. Back to freaking out and studying frantically without learning anything.
current mood:  SNOW!!
current music: I Love Lucy Theme
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| Monday, August 16th, 2004
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3:41 am - Not Fade Away
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Four days.
My summer is ending. My life is ending. Everything I've worked so hard for is culminating for the next phase of my life. All the math I "learned" and all the math I've forgotten will be tested. I will be tested.
Four days until I move to Vancouver.
I should be excited. But I'm scared. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of homophobia. I'm afraid of loneliness. I'm afraid of thieves.
My friends, my family, myself. I'll be leaving everything and everyone behind.
Four days.
I don't think graduate school should be this scary.
current mood:  scared
current music: Skye Sweetnam's "Tangled Up In Me"
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| Sunday, July 25th, 2004
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9:34 pm - Super Hot Host at Friday's
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So I saw this gorgeous guy at TGI Friday's today. He wasn't actually our (my parents and me) host, but he took our drink order and brought the drinks, and walked around occassionally. Oh man... =). He looked like Patrick, but... yeah. I haven't seen Patrick in forever... =(.
Anyway. Just thought I'd like to remember this months later...
=D!
current mood:  horny
current music: Hayley Westenra's "Dark Waltz"
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| Thursday, May 20th, 2004
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9:49 pm - Angel
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Angel ended yesterday. Today marks the one year anniversary of when Buffy ended. This sucks.
I hate the WB!!!
current mood:  blank
current music: Watching the encore Friends Finale
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
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11:46 am - Ack.
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Okay. Back to hating myself again. So I have this weird dream of being famous or at least being good friends with someone famous, which would then make me famous. At the moment, there's this singer/actor guy named Jesse McCartney who is uber talented, uber cute, and just uber all around. So I'm really liking his songs and I've been to his website and he sounds really nice. And it makes me happy and also makes me sick. So, I like his songs and he's going to be in a new WB show this summer called Summerland, and all is well and good. I'll probably buy his CD when it comes out and watch Summerland religiously.
The problem here, see, is that I'm 21 years old. I'm less than four months away from being 22. I'm going to graduate school. First off, why am I still a super teenie bopper loser freak? And second, why do I always have this need to be a celebrity or know a celebrity or meet a celebrity? I mean, you'd think that I would be over it and accept reality that fame is not something most math peoples get, unless you go insane and win a Nobel prize for the Nash equilibrium in game theory. And even then, someone else plays you in your movie about your life. Also, I'm a super gay asian teenie bopper loser freak, so the chances of me getting famous because of talent (ie, my quasi-okay falsetto singing) is epsilon less than slim to none. Stupid cute Jesse McCartney and his hot blond hair and light eyes and super perfect everything...
It pisses me off. It makes me sad (in both definitions of the word) because it's sad that I have this mindset, and I'm sad because I can't have what I want. Ack.
I know I know. I'm lame. You must think this is the stupidest thing you've ever heard. Ugh.
current mood:  rejected
current music: Jesse McCartney's "Beautiful Soul"
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| Thursday, March 25th, 2004
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1:52 am - Things Change
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Lonnie left. My housemate for years and she's gone to Italy. I'll never live with her again...
I'm going to be graduating soon. I only have one quarter left.
Graduate school is waiting. I've been accepted into UBC (British Columbia) in Canada, but my mom still wants me to wait for a reply from UC San Diego...
I'm on spring break now. It's boring here. My parents are annoying me... I feel like I should not have come home.
I've been watching a lot of shows (like Degrassi: The Next Generation, and Ellen) which interestingly have episodes this week about coming out and coming to terms with being gay. I've been feeling so confused lately.
There's this girl I went to high school with. I like her a lot. She's pretty, super smart, great to talk to... But then, I'm gay, right? And yet this girl gives me a warm feeling too... So weird.
Maybe I'm just in a rut. Like, since I'm not getting any action, I'm doubting myself?
Oi. Confused. Tired... Sigh.
current mood:  tired
current music: Watching Family Guy
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| Friday, February 27th, 2004
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11:11 pm - Peter.
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Hey all... It's been quite awhile...
There's a new guy right now. His name is Peter and he's a second year math major. He's straight but really cute. I've had my eye on him for most of the quarter now.
I was actually starting to get over him until there was a discussion about nudity. He's really comfortable with it, and he's actually willing to let me photograph him nude...
Okay, so now's where everyone goes WHOA. Lemme explain. Yes I would like to see him nude, but my photographing nude people is more for the artistic aspect of it. I'm sure that I apprectiate nude (male) photography more because I'm gay, but I really do appreciate it because it's artistic, not pornographic.
There's also another problem. Peter still thinks I'm straight. Is it fair for me to take pictures of him if he doesn't know I'm gay? I should tell him first, right?
Lonnie doesn't like the idea that I want to photograph Peter nude. I'm definitely going to be sad if I don't get to, whether if Lonnie reasons me away from it, or if Peter declines once he knows I'm gay... I've totally been obsessing about taking photographs of Peter the last two days... I can reason to myself that I have always been interested in taking nude male photographs, but there's always that question of whether I'm so interested because I'm gay? I also never thought I'd be able to take nude male photographs because I'm gay... This is a lot like when people thought I only liked listening to boy bands because I'm gay and I like the way they looked, and that's totally wrong. Most of them were ugly, and I loved their voices.
God, I'm so lame. I'm soooo gay! Ugh.
current mood: blank
current music: Watching Will and Grace
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| Monday, October 13th, 2003
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12:50 am - What Do You Think Of Me?
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| Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
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9:03 am - Buffy
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Oh man. Buffy is over. A little part of me is dead now. The last episode of Buffy was awesome. But it's over and nothing will be the same. I want this to be a memory forever, but I have nothing to say. I'm just in shock that Buffy is over. I can't believe it.
=(.
current mood:  shocked
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| Sunday, May 18th, 2003
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3:28 am - Life
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If I were to die today
Who would miss me?
Who would know?
How long would it before you knew?
If I were to grow twenty years today
Who would I be?
Where would I be?
Would I still know you?
If I were in love today
Who would it be with?
Would he love me too?
If I loved myself today
What would change?
Who am I? How do you know? What is know?
Am I even making sense?
current mood: tired
current music: Brad Paisley's "Celebrity"
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| Saturday, May 3rd, 2003
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3:24 am - Pissed Off..
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I was so mad at my housemates earlier today. Ugh. Can't even begin to explain. The point of all my frustration: I feel like I'm left out of a lot of things. They probably don't really realize it, since it's not a big deal to them, but I hate it when the three of them do stuff together and I'm stuck doing whatever the frick I'm up to all by my lonesome. I mean, sure, I have a much busier schedule than them on Fridays and so they start their days at 3pm or so and go off to eat and have a merry time while I don't get home until 4pm, at which time the apartment is empty and I'm left to my own devices and wonder where all my friends who I thought cared about me went to. It'd be nice to know where they went, but then Lonnie was like, why do you have to know where we are? I didn't have a good answer, but I was frustrated. I mean, these guys are supposed to be my closest friends, and yet I'm not allowed to know ahead of time where they're going? They even erased a message on the answering machine this afternoon because they all heard it, and yet it pertained to me too. They had all made a plan for tonight, and I wasn't notified until after they came home at 5:30pm, at which point I was pissed off at them already because I figured they went to do stuff without me and left me here just because I got back 10 minutes after they left. Sure, they actually did think of me and what not, but is it so hard to leave a message for me saying what the deal is? My room is the frickin front room. The least they can do is leave me a note saying when they'll be back and/or where they went and/or what we're doing that night, if we're doing something together or not (which, on Fridays, we usually are).
ARGH.
But see then, considering that I was wrong about what they were doing today, you could say, lighten up Mike, they're still your friends and they'd never intentionally leave you out if you voice your opinion. Sure whatever. That's fine. But if they don't want me jumping to conclusions, they should leave a note. AND we went to the other house tonight and I was bored out of my mind for four hours. Did they even ask if I wanted to leave? No. They played pool and drank and what not for four hours as I sat around, practically a vegetable, bored to death. I swear, I'm so not going over there for two weeks at least.
But then I think: well this is my college life. Perhaps I should live a little and stop being so serious about everything. But then I think well I grew up thinking I was alone and all my friends didn't acutally care about me and that I was completely different and separate from everyone. How and why would I change now? Isn't it who I am? To take everything way to seriously and get angry whenever someone neglects me or disregards me?
Maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should just say screw it and not worry anymore. Be independent and live my life as if I was on my own. I guess that's why I'm going to see the Lizzie McGuire movie tomorrow. Disney and country music are my own things that no one else likes (around here at least) and I guess that kinda lets me retreat to my own devices. That and math, but math can be a pain sometimes. So friggin difficult.
Anyway. I've had a hellish week. I have homework due Monday and Tuesday, but I'm going to try and at least enjoy the Lizzie movie and maybe go down to Borders and buy Europa Europa and a book or a mocha or something. I need to go shopping so bad. Helps me vent.
Wow, I'm a valley girl. But oh dear, don't even get me started on all the issues I have right now with my gayness and stereotypes and all that. ICK.
That's it. It's almost 4am. I need to get up early to see the Lizzie movie. Nite.
Oh and by the way. I beat Final Fantasy I on Playstation. OMG it's so one of my favorite games of all time. Top three. Top two even. Whew.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Final Fantasy Mystic Quest Soundtrack
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| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
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9:05 pm - Inferior Complex?
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Hi.
Been playing Super Monkey Ball 2 with Brendan and Andrew tonight. They both got so much better so quickly and I still suck. It's like that with every game I play. Sigh...
Oh well. I have to watch Angel now.
current mood:  drained
current music: Watchin Angel
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12:18 am - Realization: I'm Gay!
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I went to a Stonewall meeting yesterday and I met a few new gay people from my school. Actually the super hottie diver guy I used to eye during my swimming class last quarter is gay! Wow~
Then today I went to the doctor today for a check up and my doctor asked me what my sexual orientation is. It was so weird to say I'm gay.
You'd think after two years, one month and nine days I'd feel better about myself and actually accept that I'm gay...
Oi.
current mood:  pensive
current music: Boy Meets World!!
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 17th, 2003
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11:15 pm - AAACK
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| Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
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9:42 pm - Coxeter Passed Away!
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Hello!
http://mathworld.wolfram.com/news/2003-04-02_coxeter/
A totally famous geometer named Coxeter died March 31st. There are many mathematical objects in Algebra and Geometry that are named after him, and I even talked about him during the summer with my professor in New York. It's kinda weird. To know I actually knew someone who knew him and now he's not there anymore. I mean, he was 96, but still.
Anyway. Just thought I'd let you know. I was surprised. He was a professor where my professor got his Ph.D. Wow...
K, bye.
current mood: blank
current music: Watching Angel. Woo!
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| Sunday, March 23rd, 2003
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2:19 am - Home
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I'm back at home again. It's actually been a long day... I got up at 6am to catch my 8:50am flight from San Jose to Burbank. Then my dad picked me up from the airport and we went to the bank, Fry's, and then Souplantation for lunch. After that, I hung out at home for a few hours until Josh came over. We went to see The Hot Chick at the Northridge Cinemas (a movie theatre that plays older movies) and we went to Ruby's for dinner.
I got an A in my Algebra class! Yay...
Nothing too special yet I guess. I'm going to dim sum with my sister (and parents) tomorrow morning, so I should probably go... Woo!
current mood:  calm
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| Friday, March 21st, 2003
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1:37 pm - Makin a Final
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Yo!
I had to make the final for Math 2 yesterday! Huge miscommunications and I had to make up a final (with another TA) in fifteen minutes. Craziness.
Just a long day. Woooo. But I'm done. I go home tomorrow. I get my brand spankin new laptop soon too. Yay.
Anyway. I gotta go pack. Bye!
current mood:  cheerful
current music: Watchin Drew Carey
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| Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
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11:58 pm - Boy Meets World
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So. Today's episode of Boy Meets World was when Cory meets this really young artist which makes him wonder about his talents and what his life is worth. I've actually been feeling that recently. There are all these great singers in Chamber Singers, the advanced choir here at UCSC, and I'm just in Concert Chhoir, the larger, middle level choir. I know I know, it's great that I'm even in choir at all, but I want more. Ever since I joined Concert Choir seven quarters ago, I wanted to be in Chamber Singers. So many people younger than me are in it and I really want to be recognized as being good at singing. I mean, I don't think I really stand out at anything, but I really like to sing... Sigh. I dunno...
On a lighter note, I'm done with finals!! I had my Algebra final today and now I'm free! I still have some College Algebra obligations, but I'm technically done!
Oi. Tired now. Bye!
current mood: pensive
current music: Watching Boy Meets World
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| Friday, March 14th, 2003
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1:36 am - Two Year Anniversary
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Happy anniversary to me. Two years ago, I came out for the first time to my friend Mary. A lot has happened since then, but I feel like not enough has. The twenty six and a half crushs on my list have led nowhere (in the gay relationshippy way) and I still don't have many gay friends. I still get bummed out for no reason sometimes, and I get lonely quite often still...
One thing that has changed is that I'm not ashamed to be gay anymore. I don't think it's so strange when I say "I'm gay," because it's part of who I am and it's been part of who I am since before I became a math nerd and a countertenor, the two big things I am now.
I still don't know how I'm going to celebrate. I have homework to do and classes to go to first... I also want to wear something extra gay today to show my pride in myself. Yay me.
Well. I'm going to sleep now. Hope everyone is having a spectacular life.
current mood: calm
current music: Celine Dion's "All Because of You"
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| Sunday, March 9th, 2003
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12:16 pm - I'm Not A Girl
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I'm not a girl. I mean, obviously, I'm not a biological girl. But then a lot of what I do and how I act could be considered "girly." I mean, it used to offend me, but I don't mind it so much anymore. The thing I do mind now is when someone just says I'm only a guy and I can't "be a girl," as in I can't identify with girls sometimes. I'm definitely a guy, since I like being a guy, but that has certain social repercussions too. I guess every gender has repercussions, but I don't like being stereotyped into one gender. I mean, the gay stereotypes are one thing. Those are either oh so wrong or oh so right for me. But the male stereotypes are worse for me. Athleticism, violence, insensitivity... I dunno. Like when Lonnie comments on how she lives with three guys, I feel weird because a lot of the time I don't identify with Brendan and Andrew the way she's referring to them. But I dunno. Maybe I am just a guy and that's that. But maybe I can identify with some girl characteristics too... Like when the girls (biological) had a "girl's night out" last year, they didn't invite me because I'm not a girl, even though I would've loved to do what they were doing. I mean, why would I have fun at a boy's night out? Sports and action flicks? So not fun.
Ack. I hate all that. But Brendan, one of the few guys I go to talk to about non-superficial stuff, says "you're a guy, Mike," so I can't just talk to him about this, because he doesn't understand. Maybe this'll just be one of those thoughts that sticks in the back of my head forever.
Sigh.
current mood:  uncomfortable
current music: Martina McBride's Greatest Hits CD
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